Franglo

I find myself in a dark mood today, as we enter the second round of restrictions in the red zone of Montreal. I kept holding out hope, that we would get to keep some of our freedoms, but every week a little more is taken away. The government dangles the carrot; this will only be for the next 20 days but I think we all know, the curve is not going to flatten in the time. 

Without Covid, this time of year is already hard for me, the days are shorter with less sunlight and the temperatures drop. I am a spring baby, it’s my time of year when everything is coming alive, sure the fall colours are pretty but it means that everything is dying and the darkness of winter will be upon us soon. I medicate with natural remedies, a SAD lamp, exercise and I usually start a new class to help negate the seasonal depression effects.

I am a social creature, I need other people around to feel complete. I am very thankful to not be sequestered alone in my 650 square foot condo in Toronto. I have a beautiful small house in the suburbs, with a fantastic backyard, however it’s starting to feel more like a prison than a sanctuary. I know I should feel grateful to be in this place in life, to have a home and family, I should feel thankful, but it’s just getting so hard to believe this to be true. 

I have been working at home in basement for the past 7 or 8 months. In the summer, I found solace in being able to go to the gym and be with other people. I don’t necessarily need to be a part of the conversation but it was so nice to hear English conversation. My mental health was starting to improve and I was starting to feel like myself again. 

I love my husband and the kids, but sometimes I can feel like an outsider in my house. You see, the house is primarily French when the kids are here. I can understand 75% percent of what is going on in the house, but regularly I miss the joke and I respond back in English when I can. I think it would be hard to understand teenager even if they did speak the same language. 

I appeared on the scene later in their lives, and I was not a permanent fixture until two years ago. I don’t really have a defined role; I am there as they need me, provide advice when they ask but primarily I keep the house running (all things domestic). My taking a  backstage role, allows my other half to be the father they need. He is the teacher for homework, the shoulder to cry on and the general go to for anything. He really is an amazing Dad and we work together as a team to make sure they have everything they need while they are in our care. 

For my other half, a bit of an introvert he is not affected by the restrictions as much. I think he would define himself as a father first and a spouse second, he does not like the “H” word. He is trying hard to my sprits up but there is only so much he can do.  I really need my girls and my family to not be 500 and 5000 kms away.

I am trying to find a glimmer of hope in the coming months, we don’t have a renovation project or a trip on the horizon to look forward to and I won’t be able to find outside human contact at the gym or the pool.

The kids will arrive home from school soon and I will need to put on a happy face, as we explain the changes and how it will affect them. Our oldest will be going to school part time, the middle child just lost her cheerleading and the youngest is trying to adapt to high school in a very bizarre time. 

How do I find a glimmer of hope, to get through the dark season? How do I stay positive for the kids?