Franglo

We all have those moments where we just kind of lose it, and last weekend this happened to me.

I had returned back to Montreal after spending a week working out of the Toronto Office and living with my friends. I was reminded of what life was like before being in a full-time relationship, co-parenting children and having commitments. During the week I was able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted with no restrictions. I was able to reconnect with my girlfriends and even made it to the Ed Sheeran concert on Thursday. Friday night hanging out with the girls, drinking wine and eating pizza, just relaxing after a long week.

Saturday came and I had one last personal appointment, I need to deal with my hair.  It was a long weekend, university studies were beginning on Tuesday, so traffic was extra horrible, and my usual 5-hour drive took 6.5 hours. Not the best start to a weekend. Saturday night we only had two children, one was away at cheer camp, so it was a relatively low key evening watching Spy Kids 2. Back in my domestic life and I had missed my other half.

Sunday, I still had good hair, so it seemed like the perfect time to get my passport photos done at the mall.  We decided to search for a board game to add to the collection. The middle child returned from cheer camp exhausted, and we had a quiet afternoon. The evening was a disaster with lots of drama due to fatigue. Dinner, we were out of pasta, so the mac and cheese they were expecting did not happen, and the homemade soup I created disappointed. Not a great evening and it made me feel as if my contribution was unappreciated.

Monday, we decided it would be a family outing of apple picking and visiting the Oka Cheese factory. This summer we have not had the best luck with weather on family adventures and this day was no exception. We take the ferry over,  arrive at the orchard, and within twenty minutes it starts to pour, with no signs of it letting up. We made the decision to pull the plug on apple picking, go to a restaurant for lunch and then hit a vegetable stand for apples and other local goodies. The cheese factory happened and a quick visit to the Metro to procure pasta for mac and cheese that evening.

I can’t explain my feelings on Monday, I was simultaneously feeling homesick for both Toronto and Vancouver. I was disappointed by the outcome of a job interview earlier in the week. Combine this with the family drama in French of which I only comprehend about fifty percent of what is going on put me in a severe funk and on the brink of tears all day. I tried to cure the homesickness by making cabbage rolls, something my mother would do at this time of year. My other half could tell I was not okay, and he mentioned that he was having an issue with all the drama that weekend so he could only imagine how I was feeling and that’s when the tears started.

I have a half marathon coming up in a few weeks, so perhaps I should train, and this would be a good day for a nice long walk by myself.  I walked along the road near the water which always calms my soul. I reached the eco-centre and just took some time to let out the emotions by myself on a park bench until a squirrel started looking at me funny. After 1.5 hours away, I decided it was time to return home. I had a shower, ate dinner, I could not shake the feeling, it was apparent that I was not okay.

My partner called me out on my attitude, I decided to sequester myself and go watch a happy chick flick by myself to reboot my mood. After some time alone I was able to express my feelings adequately. Sometimes this is all too much, and I get overwhelmed. The new life, the pressure of learning another language, the burden of finding another job before my contract runs out, understanding about fifty percent of the family conversations – it’s a little exhausting, and I am going to lose it from time to time. How do I balance who I used to be, with who I need to be in Montreal? How do I not lose a piece of me in the process? He understood and wanted to help, but in this situation, most of what needs to fall solely into my camp.

Fast forward to Tuesday, French school begins again with the anxiety of a new class and teacher subsiding. My confidence returns about the job market after talking to a colleague about what to pursue in Montreal.

On the way home from class I remind myself that not every night in Toronto alone was great, many nights I came back to an empty house. I look in my rear-view mirror and realize he has removed the trade show booth from my car without my knowledge. I was just going to leave it in for another week until the show. I then realized it’s the little things that he does for me every day that many this adventure worthwhile because I know he loves me and will support me in any way he can.